she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
