I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
