I murdered the dance floor call the cops
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
