woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
