Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
