he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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