Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
