I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
