I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
