i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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