My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
