hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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