Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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