just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I could fuck to npr.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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