nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I checked into jail on foursquare
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
