If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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