I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
