By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
