halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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