I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
