she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
