Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
