quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
