$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
