She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
