apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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