im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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