I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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