my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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