My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
