so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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