Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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