oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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