My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
