I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
