Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
