I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
