quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
