I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
