so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
