so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
