It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
