I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
