our cab driver is having phone sex.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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