I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
