Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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