In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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