what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
