last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
