JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Life without a bra equals bliss.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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