we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
